Paradoxically
by Hiroya-chan
Summary: Zack and Cloud are best friends, Zack and Aerith are a couple.


This is also already posted on LJ, it's loosely based on the movie/book 盛夏光年 THERE I'VE SAID IT don't sue me, don't flame me, don't accuse me, don't kill me. I thought Zack, Cloud and Aerith would make a decent love triangle.

REVIEWS ARE LOVED AND APPRECIATED (Y)

PS; SORRY FOR THE DOUBLE ALERT! DOES HAVE A FUCKING PROBLEM WITH SPACING FOR EVERYONE? DDDDX Or is it just me.

* * *

Title: Paradoxically

Rating: PG-13  
Characters/Pairing: Zack/Cloud, Zack/Aerith  
Summary: Zack and Cloud are best friends, Zack and Aerith are a couple.

* * *

I don't like Zack.

He's noisy, the centre of attention, funny and friendly and everyone loves him.

He treats me like I'm his friend but I'm not I'm not he's got it all wrong.

I sit alone in the library on the couch in a corner a little corner my corner he comes to sit beside me.

I eat lunch on the rooftop by myself it's quiet and peaceful till I hear his steps, loud and heavy up the stairs.

I skip classes he tags along.

I go home he walks me to my door.

He treats me like I'm his friend but I'm not.

I'm not.

* * *

His voice is loud he's obnoxious and I can't stand it.

In the mornings he literally leaps into the classroom full of gusto and energy and shouts good morning. Everyone replies good morning, Zack, you're early today, Zack, come sit with me for a while, Zack, I need to talk to you about something.

But he says give me one minute, just one minute.

He comes skipping towards me and I feel like running.

GOOD MORNING, CLOUD.

Go to hell.

His voice is loud and jarring and everyone laughs but I don't.

Off he goes; a smile constantly plastered on his face his laughter resounding through the classroom.

* * *

Zack's grades are poor he doesn't like to study he likes to swim; he's part of the school team.

He asks me to tutor him. I say okay I ask when and where. He's got training every day of the weak the championships are coming so he says how about Saturday, in school. I say okay see you then.

He comes on Saturday I come on Saturday we go to the library. There's no one in but it's open. I'm carrying a stack of textbooks, worksheets, and notebooks; Zack is empty-handed. I ask him irritably how he intends to study and he smiles his stupid smile and says a good tutor's all he needs. I ask him where his fucking stationery is and he says he forgot about it.

I slam a writing pad (I have two) and a ballpoint pen down in front of him. He laughs and says thank you.

We get down to work.

Zack is fucking stupid with the attention span of a goldfish maybe worse.

One hour later, he's asleep and drooling over the mock exam paper I printed for him why the hell did I bother.

* * *

Zack is stupid but I must be stupider.

* * *

My life is fucked up even without Zack in it. He's just in it fucking things up more.  
My father died when I was five. My mom cracked and remarried two months later to some underground big shot but he was a sucker and got knee-high deep in shit. He's a janitor now and my mom's a waitress and they're both always out drinking and gambling, drinking and gambling.

Sometimes my mom doesn't come back for days but the bastard always makes it home. He's on the couch sleeping when I leave home. Sometimes he comes back earlier and he walks into my room and he's staggering and shaking and looking like a fucking zombie. He's holding a longneck it's made of glass it reflects my desk light. He stumbles towards me I stand up and leave but he grabs my arm his grip is like iron. I wince, tell him to fuck off but he doesn't. He doesn't let go he won't let go he drops his longneck and raises his fist and his hard bony knuckles smash into my lower jaw.

* * *

After episodes like that I have cuts and bruises and gashes and bits of broken glass in my limbs. When I go to school nobody asks anything; they never do. Except Zack.

What happened to you?

Fuck off.

He becomes a pest, follows me everywhere, keeps asking if I'm all right. Someone bulldozes into me during gym in the heat of the game I tumble backwards and strike my head on the ground. My world spins my head hurts feels like my brains are cartwheeling I can't move. Suddenly there's screaming and the thumping of feet on the gym floor. Then Zack is a blurry, blurry figure in front of me on his knees, his hands are on my shoulders I can feel his fingers digging into my shoulder.

Cloud. You're bleeding.

More screaming.

I think I'm going to pass out.

* * *

When I wake I'm in the infirmary and Zack is sitting on a chair bedside the cot. He's not smiling now he's stone-faced his eyes are almost scary and I want to go back to unconsciousness.

Cloud.

I stare at the ceiling.

You were bleeding.

The infirmary stinks, smells like medicine I hate medicine.

There were bruises.

I wonder where the nurse went it's strange he's not here.

There was glass stuck in your hand.

I lift my hand and stare it's bandaged nicely. Thank you, nurse, I think.

Are you listening to me?

I turn to him.

Yes.

Do you have anything to say?

Not to you.

Zack clenches his fist and bites down on his bottom lip his eyes are cold and angry not friendly not smiling.

I'll leave, then.

Please do.

He grabs his bag, kicks his chair to the side and storms out.

* * *

I try my best to hide my injuries from then on. If they're too obvious I stay home.

I stay home a lot.

Zack brings me homework and answer keys and notes he makes them for me.

I don't open the door for him so he slips the papers through the cracks.

* * *

There's a new student her name's Aerith she's from Midgar. Midgar's a bustling cosmopolitan it's rich and the capital of the country but it's fucking filthy with more slums than actual houses.

Her seat is beside mine – the boy who sat there the term before transferred elsewhere.

She puts her bag down, turns to me, smiles.

Hi.

Hi.

My name's Aerith.

Cloud.

Nice to meet you, Cloud.

You too.

Zack, sitting directly in front of me, turns around and beams and waves at Aerith.

Hi! Name's Zack, nice to meet you.

Aerith laughs. It sounds nice.

She's a pretty girl with honey-brown curls and warm green eyes. She gets along with everyone almost like Zack. At lunch she goes off someplace with the class president Tifa and a crazy hyperactive kid called Yuffie. All three of them are joking and laughing and smiling.

* * *

Zack is always bothering me to watch him train for the championships. He says I'm his lucky charm, I tell him to get a fucking girl. When I do go, out of sheer pity, it's only for the first ten minutes or so. When I don't go, I heard for the library to study I don't go home.  
I'm sitting in my little corner as usual, on my favourite couch. It's quiet and peaceful I can concentrate without bloody Zack, incessantly prattling, distracting Zack.

But today Aerith is there, sitting there, on my favourite couch, in my little corner.

I stare at her, she smiles at me.  
Hi, Cloud.

Hello.

Sit with me?

I set my bag down on the floor, leaning against the couch and move to sit next to her. She has a chemistry textbook open on her lap, pen in hand, a notepad balanced on the arm of the couch.

Where's Zack?

Training.

Training?

He's on the swim team.

I see.

I open my books and my notes and rummage for my homework. I sit there all afternoon with Aerith, quiet Aerith who doesn't make earsplitting small talk like the other girls, save for the occasional question about chemistry.

At six we start packing. She smiles and shakes my hand and says thank you for all your help today. She tells me she's really bad at chemistry. I tell her I suck at math.

* * *

Everything comes together and forms a routine I don't dislike.

In the mornings I dash out of the house before my crazy fuck of a stepdad wakes up. I eat breakfast on the way to school – an apple, buttered toast, whatever. I walk to my classroom. I try to shut Zack up. I say good morning to Aerith, she smiles at me. I endure classes. She's still great friends with Tifa and Yuffie but she joins Zack and me for lunch. We sit on the rooftop, picking food out of each other's lunchboxes. We go back to class. After school Zack goes to training, Aerith and me go to the library. We meet at the gates at six. We walk home together.

* * *

One day Aerith and I talk about Zack.

It's during gym. Aerith and I are sitting on the bleachers. Our teacher's on medical leave, and the stand-in guy is a sucker. He actually believes Aerith's got scream-worthy cramps and I'm close to fainting.

The other kids are playing basketball. Zack's at the head of his team and they're winning.

He loves sports.

He does.

Aerith giggles.

You know each other so well.

I'm not sure about that.

You're his best friend.

I don't think so.

But you are. He's friends with everybody but it's special when it comes to you.

I frown, turn to look at her. She's smiling but she's not joking.

You're his best friend.

I look at the court, at Zack. He's a spectacular three feet off the ground, tossing the ball through the net. The gym erupts in screams and cheers. He's grinning, looking immensely satisfied with himself, then he turns to us the grin vanishes and his ridiculous megawatt smile breaks out on his face instead.

DID YOU SEE THAT, CLOUD?

His voice is horribly terribly disgustingly loud.

I scowl.

NO, FUCKER.

The relief teacher whirls on me with a glare.

Watch your mouth.

Aerith laughs.

You see?

I turn my scowl on her.

* * *

On my birthday Zack demands that I sleep over at his house. He invites Aerith but Aerith's going out of town for the weekend to visit her aunt in Midgar. She wishes me happy birthday, gives me a book. I thank her and she leaves.

I try to go home but Zack steals my wallet.

I have to give you your present.

Unnecessary. Return my wallet.

Come with me! It'll be a fun night, I promise.

Haha. Right. Give me my fucking wallet.

Follow me, follow me.

* * *

Zack's house is different from mine it's new and expensive and humongous. He lives alone most of the time his parents work in Midgar.

He holds my wallet hostage and shoves me into the living room. He plays a movie and I stare at the screen not paying attention I just want my wallet back.

Stay there. Don't move.

He disappears into the kitchen.

He emerges when I'm halfway through the movie. He drags me into the kitchen I almost trip. In the kitchen there's a fucking buffet on the table. Sushi, onigiri, ramen, gyōza, rice, chicken katsu, fried eggs and teriyaki salmon. I glance at the food and I glance at Zack expectantly.

He laughs sheepishly.

Well, I made some of the stuff yesterday and this morning…it'll taste fabulous all the same, though. I'm a great cook.

And I'm going home.

He latches onto my arm before I make it through the doorway and drags me to the table.  
Come on, let's eat! There's cake in the fridge for dessert. I don't do patisserie, so that's from the bakery down the street.

Don't expect me to finish this.

Big meals make for yummy leftovers. Now shut up and eat.

I pick up a pair of chopsticks and stab a sushi roll, drop it into my mouth.

* * *

I think I've found something Zack is fairly proficient at, besides swimming.

* * *

Let's have a movie marathon. We've got popcorn and cake. And cola.

I glare at Zack but he pays no heed. He jumps to his feet springy with energy as usual and puts on a blockbuster.

* * *

Zack falls asleep on the sofa halfway through the third movie. The floor is littered with crumbs of popcorn, bits of cream. The coffee table is a larger mess – empty dirty plates, the half-full bowl of popcorn, an overturned glass of cola and more crumbs.

I turn off the TV and settle down on the floor, wary of where I sit. I think of going home and I think of sleeping on Zack's bed. It's not exactly my fault he's using the couch instead.  
I stare at his face at least he doesn't smile idiotically even in sleep.

The room is warm but I think I'm shivering shaking maybe trembling.

My fingers brush against his hair it's long and messy he needs a trim.

Then I stand up, grab my bag and head for his bedroom with the comfy, comfy bed.

* * *

Back in school on Monday Aerith comes and tells us she wants to sell flowers. Zack and I stare at her and he asks for what. She says she wants to raise some money for the orphanage on the outskirts of town it may have to close down because of a lack of funds. Zack says okay I'll help I say okay I'll help.

* * *

After school (Zack's got no training for the day) we go to Aerith's place. She lives with her mom beside a church and their backyard is teeming with flowers. Big, pretty, yellow flowers.

Zack grins.

Wow.

Aerith laughs.

I turn to her.

What do you want us to do?

She points to some planks of wood resting against the house. There is a toolbox next to it.

I'll need a cart.

I turn to Zack expectantly. He grins.

Leave it to us.

* * *

Zack and I are at it the whole afternoon. He saws the planks into the lengths we need I put them together with glue and screws. It gets really hot Zack takes off his shirt. Aerith kneels by the flowers, tending to them. She waters them and adds fertiliser and weeds. Her mother brings a jug out of lemonade and some glasses out. The sun is killing us but the lemonade is cold and tasty. Zack looks stupid chugging it down at an alarming rate rivulets of sweat and lemonade trailing down his chin and neck.

* * *

In the evening we put the flowers – in little pots – onto the cart and wheel it to the playground. Zack and I stand nearby and watch Aerith do business. It's late and there's hardly anyone in the playground not even the kids they've probably gone home for dinner but there are one or two passer-bys. They buy out of pity. Zack keeps quiet I sit on the slide.

When Zack's watch chimes nine we head back to Aerith's place. She's quiet I'm quiet we've made only a few dollars. But Zack is noisy and he says never mind, we'll try again on the weekends. We can do it the whole day then, never mind.

* * *

I open the door to my house.

I'm barely a few steps in then a fist comes whizzing into my face.

I crumple.

* * *

He fucks me up really bad it's worse than usual.

* * *

By the time I'm back at school Aerith's flower business is over. I tell her I'm sorry I wasn't there to help like I said I would. She hugs me, tells me it's okay, asks if I'm all right I say I'm fine. Zack comes in ten minutes later and screams good morning to me. Then he walks over to Aerith and bends down and kisses her on the cheek and says good morning. There're catcalls and giggles from the other kids Aerith looks embarrassed she shoos Zack away, smiles at me sheepishly.

I sit there really still I don't know why my heart is hammering so hard I don't know why I'm so frozen I don't know why my fingers are quivering as I pull out my pencil case, books, notes – I shouldn't be shocked I shouldn't be shocked.

* * *

They look really great together.

* * *

Oi.

Hm?

Do you really like her?

Yeah.

Okay.

* * *

The day before Zack's competition Aerith and I make a promise to meet at the station at eight, take a train, go to the pool together.

* * *

At eight-fifteen I'm still in my pyjamas on my bed.

My phone is vibrating.

I'm still in my pyjamas on my bed.

* * *

At nine Aerith stops calling.

* * *

At nine-thirty I drag myself out of bed and into the shower. I drench myself in cold water and I think of Zack practising so hard so many hours I think of Zack tuckered out, fast asleep in class I think of Zack gobbling down his lunch, my lunch, Aerith's lunch and I think of Zack asking me to watch him practise I'm his lucky charm.

But it's okay. It's okay that I wasn't there that I'm never going to be there from now on.

* * *

Zack wins five medals he comes into the classroom waving them, the gold glinting in the morning sun. Everyone jumps out of their seats and pats him on the bed and says congratulations asks him to let them see his prizes. Zack puts down all his medals, walks to Aerith and hugs her and says thank you for being there.

Then he turns to me and he's got his arms around Aerith he's got his arms around her he's not smiling he's not saying good morning and I feel like crying.

* * *

He confronts me during lunch on the rooftop Aerith isn't with him.

He walks towards me he's not smiling he's not laughing he looks angry, furious, agitated –

I'm yanked off the ground, slammed into a wall. Zack holds me there I can't breathe properly his eyes are frosty and wrathful I think he hates me –

What's wrong with you?

He's shouting, shouting, shouting.

Did I do something wrong? Why couldn't you just be there? We're friends, aren't we? Why couldn't you be there? I WANTED YOU TO BE THERE.

I don't know why his face is becoming so blurry ah my eyes are stinging.

We're not friends.

We are, fuck you, fuck you, we are, we are, we are.

You've got it all wrong.

No, you've got it all wrong, you bastard, you fucker. God, I think I hate you. You're my friend but I think I hate you.

He lets go of me and I slump to the ground shaking trembling shivering. He lets out a scream of frustration and kicks the wall and storms back downstairs.

* * *

Stupid, fucking Zack.

We aren't friends. We can't be friends.

We can't because I want something more, fucked-up person that I am.

* * *

I miss all my lessons I just sit on the roof and cry and cry and cry.

The sky is red and gold and orange and the school gates are closing when Aerith comes to find me. My lunchbox is unopened uneaten I'm still leaning against the wall my eyes and nose feel swollen I can feel tracks of tears caked dry on my cheeks I'm so tired my head hurts everything's spinning.

Are you okay?

I don't answer her.

Why didn't you come?

I don't answer her.

He really wanted you to be there.

I don't answer her.

Hey.

I stare at my hand absentmindedly it's crisscrossed with scars little cuts old gashes an ugly, ugly thing.

You like him, don't you?

I freeze.

Then I start to sit up.

I turn to look at her. Pretty, gentle, kind Aerith. Aerith who's always there. For Zack. For me.

I'm sorry. But I…like him, so –

Go home.

I'll take you home –

I can walk.

Cloud –

I'm okay now. Thanks for coming to look for me.

I'm sorry.

Me too.

* * *

The routine I liked ends. I eat lunch by myself on the roof now.

I'm alone now always alone.

* * *

A whole month passes. I wake up run out of the house eat breakfast on the way study before class, after class I skip lunch I don't have much appetite anymore I don't go to the library anymore I don't talk to Zack and Aerith anymore I don't do a lot of things anymore.  
After school I go to the public library I sit in the aisle nobody goes to I sit there and I read and I study and I do my homework.

I'm always behind everyone I'm always missing classes thanks to my fucked-up old man.

One day I'm sitting in the library in my lonely aisle my phone starts to vibrate.

Aerith's calling.

Hello?

Cloud?

Yes.

Zack got into an accident.

What?

A car hit him.

Is he all right?

He's in the hospital now. The doctors said he should be fine. I just thought I'd let you know.

The government hospital or the private one?

The private one. Ward 40A.

Okay.

Visiting hours end at nine.

Okay.

* * *

I arrive at the hospital three minutes to nine schoolbag in hand three stalks of chrysanthemums in the other I only had enough money for three measly stalks sorry, Zack.

I knock on the door of 40A it's a private ward and his voice distantly familiar says come in and I do.

He's sitting up in his cot he looks like he was mangled by a cow there's bandages around his head around his arms he's got a twisted ankle plasters all over.

Hi.

He's forcing his smile I know. I'll make this quick and painless.

Hi.

Sit down.

No, it's all right. I just came to give you these –

I hastily drop the chrysanthemums on the bedside table.

Get well soon. Bye.

WAIT.

My hand is on the doorknob I turn around and look at him and frown.

What?

Sit down. I haven't seen you in ages. I haven't talked to you in ages. Sit down.

Don't be idiotic. I'll be kicked out of here soon.

I'm chummy with the nurse. She'll let you stay for another ten minutes if you're good and quiet. Now shut up and sit down.

I pull up a chair and I sit, dropping my schoolbag on the ground next to me. The ward has that awful sterile stink like the school infirmary.

Zack squints at me he's not myopic and he looks really stupid.

You've gotten thinner.

It's your imagination.

No, I'm serious. I thought you were thin before, but – are you even eating?

I'm leaving.

I pick my bag off the floor.

No, sit down. Fuck you, sit down. I'll change the subject.

I set it down again.

I'm sorry about that day.

I tense.

I shouldn't have yelled. You weren't obligated to come. And you probably had your reasons. So I'm sorry. And I don't want our friendship to be screwed up over my mistake. It feels weird, you know? Not pestering you, not eating lunch with you and Aerith. Everyone's great company, but it's different when it comes to you. It's always different when it comes to you, you know that? Aerith misses you. Damn, I miss you. Come back to us. Let's do it like before.

It'll never be like before, I want to say. Before, Aerith wasn't there. Before, Aerith and Zack weren't together. Before, it was just Zack and me.

Whatever.

You promise? You won't disappear on us? You'll eat lunch with us again? You'll keep Aerith company in the library? You'll tutor me?

I feel like I'm going to shatter I feel like I'm going to fall apart I feel like I'm going to cry again.

I want to say no no no but I can't I can't I can't not when he's looking like that not when his voice is happy-go-lucky and cheery again not when he's smiling at me again.

I force it out of my mouth.

Okay.

* * *

I visit him again the next day and the next day and the next day. I always arrive three minutes to nine. Sometimes Aerith is there, sometimes she's not. Most of the time it's just Zack and me.

Did you go to school today?

Obviously.

Did you eat your lunch?

I did.

Liar.

Fuck you.

There're fruits on the table there.

The table in his ward is always teeming with gifts – sweets, chocolates, fruits, bread – and get-well cards.

So?

Go get some.

You want me to choke you?

No, I want you to shove them down your throat.

* * *

Stupid, stupid Zack.

* * *

I look at you and I want to smile.

I look at you and I want to laugh.

I look at you and I want to cry.

* * *

On the last night of Zack's hospitalisation it's raining and thundering outside. I bring a small box of chocolates, dump it on his bloody table that's still teeming with gifts and cards.

Haha, thanks, sucker.

I sit on my chair.

Hey. Let's play a game?

I roll my eyes.

What?

I'll give you two things and you'll have to choose one of them. Only one.

What kind of retarded –

Shut up and play.

Whatever.

Fruits and vegetables.

Vegetables.

Brains and body.

Brains.

Savoury and sweet.

Sweet.

Black and white.

White.

Ass and tits.

Fuck you.

Answer the question!

…Ass.

Now's your turn to ask me.

Pass.

Ask me!

Chicken and beef.

Chicken.

Rice and noodles.

Rice.

Sushi and ramen.

Ramen!

I pause.

I think.

Oi, bring the next one on!

Shut up, let me think.

It's just a game, there's no need to think, idiot.

* * *

Aerith and me.

* * *

Hello?

Cloud? It's me, Aerith.

Anything wrong?

Zack wants to talk to you. He's been trying to call you for the past hour, he said.

I noticed.

Did something happen?

I guess.

Don't you want to talk it out with him?

No, not really, no.

Are you sure?

Yes.

He'll take a day's rest, and come back to school on Wednesday. You'll talk to him then?

No.

Cloud –

Goodnight, Aerith.

* * *

I don't go to school on Wednesday, or Thursday, or Friday.

* * *

Zack comes in the afternoons to hammer on my door, shout my name, bellow profanities. I don't reply. He pushes homework and notes through the cracks of my door I push them right back out. I can hear him crunching the papers and littering them. He gives the door one final kick before leaving.

* * *

On Saturday I walk to school, enter the principal's office, hand him papers, tell him I'm not coming to your school anymore.

* * *

I call my uncle he owns a factory in Midgar. He's my mother's brother she hates him and he hates her but he likes me.

I call him he says I've got a job for you, come to Midgar.

* * *

I'm at the station. My train comes in fifteen minutes.

I pull out my phone and I call Aerith.

Hello?

Aerith? It's Cloud.

Cloud, where've you been –

Aerith, I'm going.

What? Where?

I'm going to Midgar. I'm going to work there.

But you're still in sch –

I quit.

Cloud, be rational –

I'm being rational, Aerith. You've seen my grades.

That's not the only thing, am I right?

Good luck with school, Aerith.

Is Zack bothering you? Why don't you tell him how you really feel, before you go?

Tell Zack I said good luck to him, too.

Are you okay leaving like this? With your friendship in tatters?

Tell him I said I'm sorry I didn't go to his championship.

Why are you so afraid of talking to him?

Thank you. Thank you for everything.

Cloud –

Bye, Aerith. All the best.

* * *

Five minutes more.

CLOUD.

I almost fall off my seat.

Oh God, oh God, oh God, it can't be –

CLOUD FUCKING STRIFE.

I stand and there he's standing just a few feet away everyone's staring at him he looks stupid his school uniform is half-buttoned his hair is disheveled he looks a mess he's sweating and panting – did he come from school? – and glaring at me but he's here, he's here, he's here.

Why are you –

This is not funny, Cloud. This is not funny at all.

I take deep breaths, try to calm myself.

Where are you going? Where the fuck are you going? Don't you have everything here? Aren't Aerith and I here? What the fuck went wrong? What did I do wrong? God, Cloud, where did we go wrong?

You were never wrong, Zack.

He stares at me.

I'm the one who fucked us up.

I don't get you, Cloud. I've not been getting you these past few months. I don't get you at all.

Zack.

What?

We're not friends.

He stares at me, his eyes widening.

We never were. You got it all wrong.

Fuck you, we've been through that shit –

His voice is cracking, his eyes are glistening. He looks stupid, stupid, stupid.

The train is coming into the station. People are staring at us and trying not to look like they are, picking up their luggage, getting ready to go. I bend down and heave my haversack over one shoulder. Then I look at him and I try to smile it feels funny on my mouth I've not smiled in a long, long, long time it probably looks crooked and stupider than Zack's.

I like you.

I like you so, so, so much.

I like you, Zack.


End file.
